Divorce 411

Must Read: Dating After Divorce 

socrates

Whether this is your first time in the dating world or you are newly divorced and entering the dating world, there are some steps you can take to help guard against divorce. There are no guarantees and why not do everything you can to live happily ever after with that someone special?

Guess what: those superficial things you think are so important don’t hold a candle to these two foundations of a good relationship and/or marriage. Stop shopping for the right one with your superficial glasses. Put on your big person pants and let’s dig into some interesting conversations that have more staying power than “cute butt or sexy eyes”.

Developing an observer in charge of turning your mirror inward, I believe, is a key component of getting clear the offer you are and the offer you want as a partner. When you are in the blame game” “its not my fault, it is everyone else’s fault” any partnership is going to have its limitations. Getting on a journey with your self requires courage, consciousness, feedback from a trusted advisor, vulnerability, insight, and the refreshing ability to apologize for starters. Knowing your strengths and challenges, competences and incompetence’s, where you are a beginner and where a master, is the first step of this journey. Surrounding yourself with people who value this consciousness and are seeking it as well is refreshing. Clarity about who you are with all your foibles builds confidence and self-esteem and is very attractive.

Unfortunately, when people don’t take the time for a self-journey, they are at risk for blaming, hypocrisy, being judgmental, and insecurity runs rampant.

What do you mean a self-journey and how do I start?

I believe when life sends us life lessons; it is time for us to really learn. Read good books about developing your authentic self, finding your voice, find your dharma/gift/raison d’etre, turn the mirror inward and really look at yourself. Hire a therapist/mentor/coach who can help you see your blindness’s.  Learn to be that person in a serious relationship who can say. “I recently discovered I am very controlling. I am working on shifting that so if you feel I am overly persuasive with you let me know.” How refreshing. Now I don’t have to spend months beating my head against the wall to be the one to show you the blindness you have. And if I have that openness as well there is a fiery intimacy developing to have that level of vulnerability and conversation. When two people start with a history of “self “growth, it is a good indicator the “couple’s” growth might be important as well.

I can’t emphasize strongly enough how important a self-discovery journey with one’s self is before finding your partner. Many people believe if you like to do a lot of the same things your relationship will work. Having things in common is part of the picture, and my assessment it is not the glue.

I really believe the glue is the gift of knowing who you are, the good, the bad, the ugly, your opinions, your goals, your dreams, what makes you laugh, cry, get up every day, and having the courage to share the above with someone who can do the same. When you have this vulnerability with each other, you add being able to resolve conflict respectfully, and you have lots of juice for each other, the game of a successful relationship becomes more interesting.

Being able to resolve conflict respectfully is the next jewel in mastering a successful relationship. Find a paradigm that works for you or follow some universal guidelines:

  1. Make I statements not you statements
  2. Don’t use Never or Always
  3. Agree on a time to talk
  4. Provide evidence or be specific
  5. Request the new behavior

So e.g. at an agreed upon time and I like a setting such as a bath/hot tub ask for a conversation about finances.

 “I would like to set up a financial system where I get an agreed upon amount of money every month rather than asking you every time I need money.”

If things get too heated I recommend a break and try discussing things while dancing. Whatever works you have to learn to resolve conflict respectfully!

Couples have to have the “he/she is under my skin”. “I think about my partner when I am not with her/him. We therapists cannot provide this piece.

So if you are about to enter the dating world and you want to have success, I recommend you start with number One! Have a date with yourself and get to know yourself as others know you. Get help to identify your blindness’s and become the person you really want to be.  Once you find someone who perks your interest, knows who they are, has enough of the superficial stuff to pull you in, it is time to practice resolving conflict.  In addition to the above recommendations, pages 94-95 of my book Backbone Power the Science of Saying No have a step-by-step guide on how to resolve conflict respectfully. Couples who can do this are on the way to preventing breakups/divorce.

“Someday, someone will come along and help you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.”

© 2016 Anne Brown. All Rights Reserved.

 

 

6 Must Read Tips for a Healthy Divorce

“You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.” ~ Bob Marley

1. Fight for your Marriage

1 fight

This tip is probably the most important for a good divorce. If you have worked hard in workshops, individual and couple’s therapy, with your spiritual advisors, and you still feel you need to divorce, you both will have had a chance to fight for the marriage.  You also will be able to report to the children you really fought for the family to stay together. This process will help you move forward and hopefully NOT repeat the same mistakes in the future.

2. Hire good people 

2 divorce therapistA. Lawyer/Mediator: If you have gone to therapy and both agree to divorce, you can probably hire a competent mediator. Even if you are still grumbling at each other, but both want the divorce you can probably still hire a mediator/collaborative lawyer. If you are married to a narcissist, a sociopath/psychopath or a fighter for whatever reason, you will do best with a lawyer who can advocate for you.

http://backbonepower.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/Co-Parenting-Success-Anne-Brown.mp3

Interview, interview, interview, get recommendations, and make sure you trust your lawyer will have your back. Trust is the important word here.  You do not want someone who escalates the situation, but rather someone who is a calm, strong, negotiator who can get the best for you without breaking the bank.

Young couple consults at the psychologist

B. Therapist/Divorce Coach: If you have been to couples therapy and you both are committed to getting divorced, either continue with your individual therapist or at some point hire an individual therapist to help you grieve and reinvent yourself.

If you are married to a narcissist, sociopath/psychopath or someone who is determined to make the divorce difficult hire a therapist competent in guiding you through this challenge.

Dr. Brown has limited openings for Backbone Divorce Coaching/Therapy. Email: annebrown@sopris.net

C. Bookkeeper: If numbers are not your strength, hire a competent Bookkeeper to help you get a budget together. You need to get clear what you need financially to get set up.

3. Negotiate fairly and rigorously

3 negotiation

Your goal is to be free of resentment at the end of the divorce. You don’t want to be divorced saying “I wish I had…” Take an honest and realistic look at the financial pie and decide what you need and close to what the courts will order. Get your emotions out of the negotiations (and into the therapist’s office). Ask for what you need to land on your feet and re-invent yourself. If you both do this the children will have a better chance of having two healthy homes.

4. Honor your Children

4 family

A. Do not fight through your children.

B. Do not use your children to fight with your spouse.

C. Do not use your children as messengers.

D. Do not use your children as your confident.

E. Do not give the children too much information.

F. DO understand they want Normal sooner rather than later. Children want to be the kid with friends at school, playing sports, in a musical group NOT the child of “those” parents who are always fighting because they are getting divorced.

5. Honor your Love Life

Man And Woman Holding By Hands And Making Love Heart

 

Wait, wait, wait! It’s not time. Heal, grieve, reinvent yourself and then open your heart to what is next. Your children do not want to meet your latest squeeze the day after you and your spouse split. Respect their world has been turned upside down: new rules, two houses, secrets, land mines, and they need time to grieve, adjust and figure out the two houses.

6. Move on

6 bird

Stop talking about your ex, your divorce, and move on! Be happy, issue invitations, learn new things, laugh, be a happy family on a new adventure, and you will begin to attract the same!!! People who don’t do their work after a divorce often marry the same wolf in different sheep’s clothing. Now is also a good time to reconnect with your therapist to make sure you are not repeating old patterns. Surround yourself with friends who have good self esteem, friends who want you to be happy, friends who want the best for you, and friends who can let you know if you get off track.

Listen to: http://backbonepower.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/Empowered-Divorce-Summit-Dating-Edition.mp3

Divorce Money Questions

Listen to my interview on Empowered Divorce Summit *Financial Edition hosted by Heather Debrecini. Learn the best tips on How to Secure Your Financial Independence before, during, and after your  divorce.

Some of us think holding on makes us strong but sometimes it is letting go.” ~Hermann Hesse 

 Dr. Brown has limited openings for Backbone Divorce Coaching/Therapy. Email: annebrown@sopris.net

 

© 2016 Anne Brown. Permission needed for reproduction in any form.

Who is Anne Brown


Dr. Anne Brown, PhD, RN of Sausalito, California, formerly from Aspen, Colorado, in her private practice, has served as the trusted advocate and advisor to Influential Corporate leaders, Trial Attorneys, Athletes, Leaders, Physicians and their families, many whose connections extend well beyond the town of Aspen. As she conveys in Backbone Power, it is obvious that we can no longer pretend that people-pleasing and addiction doesn’t exist; it is prevalent. Most if not all of us know at least one individual who is suffering from an addiction, victimhood, or martyrdom. It touches all of our lives in some way. Reality is, it won’t go away without taking necessary action and standing up to those who are masters at sabotaging your own growth.

 
 
 

Dedicated Too


Everyone or anyone that has been in the position to say no, and wanted to, but didn't. Being in control of our actions and decisions, helps us live healthier and happier lives. WE DESERVE IT!! Anne believes her book will mentor those who suffer the doom of constantly saying “yes” to everyone else, while saying “no” to their own opportunities.

 
 

Divorce 411

Must Read: Dating After Divorce 

socrates

Whether this is your first time in the dating world or you are newly divorced and entering the dating world, there are some steps you can take to help guard against divorce. There are no guarantees and why not do everything you can to live happily ever after with that someone special?

Guess what: those superficial things you think are so important don’t hold a candle to these two foundations of a good relationship and/or marriage. Stop shopping for the right one with your superficial glasses. Put on your big person pants and let’s dig into some interesting conversations that have more staying power than “cute butt or sexy eyes”.

Developing an observer in charge of turning your mirror inward, I believe, is a key component of getting clear the offer you are and the offer you want as a partner. When you are in the blame game” “its not my fault, it is everyone else’s fault” any partnership is going to have its limitations. Getting on a journey with your self requires courage, consciousness, feedback from a trusted advisor, vulnerability, insight, and the refreshing ability to apologize for starters. Knowing your strengths and challenges, competences and incompetence’s, where you are a beginner and where a master, is the first step of this journey. Surrounding yourself with people who value this consciousness and are seeking it as well is refreshing. Clarity about who you are with all your foibles builds confidence and self-esteem and is very attractive.

Unfortunately, when people don’t take the time for a self-journey, they are at risk for blaming, hypocrisy, being judgmental, and insecurity runs rampant.

What do you mean a self-journey and how do I start?

I believe when life sends us life lessons; it is time for us to really learn. Read good books about developing your authentic self, finding your voice, find your dharma/gift/raison d’etre, turn the mirror inward and really look at yourself. Hire a therapist/mentor/coach who can help you see your blindness’s.  Learn to be that person in a serious relationship who can say. “I recently discovered I am very controlling. I am working on shifting that so if you feel I am overly persuasive with you let me know.” How refreshing. Now I don’t have to spend months beating my head against the wall to be the one to show you the blindness you have. And if I have that openness as well there is a fiery intimacy developing to have that level of vulnerability and conversation. When two people start with a history of “self “growth, it is a good indicator the “couple’s” growth might be important as well.

I can’t emphasize strongly enough how important a self-discovery journey with one’s self is before finding your partner. Many people believe if you like to do a lot of the same things your relationship will work. Having things in common is part of the picture, and my assessment it is not the glue.

I really believe the glue is the gift of knowing who you are, the good, the bad, the ugly, your opinions, your goals, your dreams, what makes you laugh, cry, get up every day, and having the courage to share the above with someone who can do the same. When you have this vulnerability with each other, you add being able to resolve conflict respectfully, and you have lots of juice for each other, the game of a successful relationship becomes more interesting.

Being able to resolve conflict respectfully is the next jewel in mastering a successful relationship. Find a paradigm that works for you or follow some universal guidelines:

  1. Make I statements not you statements
  2. Don’t use Never or Always
  3. Agree on a time to talk
  4. Provide evidence or be specific
  5. Request the new behavior

So e.g. at an agreed upon time and I like a setting such as a bath/hot tub ask for a conversation about finances.

 “I would like to set up a financial system where I get an agreed upon amount of money every month rather than asking you every time I need money.”

If things get too heated I recommend a break and try discussing things while dancing. Whatever works you have to learn to resolve conflict respectfully!

Couples have to have the “he/she is under my skin”. “I think about my partner when I am not with her/him. We therapists cannot provide this piece.

So if you are about to enter the dating world and you want to have success, I recommend you start with number One! Have a date with yourself and get to know yourself as others know you. Get help to identify your blindness’s and become the person you really want to be.  Once you find someone who perks your interest, knows who they are, has enough of the superficial stuff to pull you in, it is time to practice resolving conflict.  In addition to the above recommendations, pages 94-95 of my book Backbone Power the Science of Saying No have a step-by-step guide on how to resolve conflict respectfully. Couples who can do this are on the way to preventing breakups/divorce.

“Someday, someone will come along and help you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.”

© 2016 Anne Brown. All Rights Reserved.

 

 

6 Must Read Tips for a Healthy Divorce

“You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.” ~ Bob Marley

1. Fight for your Marriage

1 fight

This tip is probably the most important for a good divorce. If you have worked hard in workshops, individual and couple’s therapy, with your spiritual advisors, and you still feel you need to divorce, you both will have had a chance to fight for the marriage.  You also will be able to report to the children you really fought for the family to stay together. This process will help you move forward and hopefully NOT repeat the same mistakes in the future.

2. Hire good people 

2 divorce therapistA. Lawyer/Mediator: If you have gone to therapy and both agree to divorce, you can probably hire a competent mediator. Even if you are still grumbling at each other, but both want the divorce you can probably still hire a mediator/collaborative lawyer. If you are married to a narcissist, a sociopath/psychopath or a fighter for whatever reason, you will do best with a lawyer who can advocate for you.

http://backbonepower.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/Co-Parenting-Success-Anne-Brown.mp3

Interview, interview, interview, get recommendations, and make sure you trust your lawyer will have your back. Trust is the important word here.  You do not want someone who escalates the situation, but rather someone who is a calm, strong, negotiator who can get the best for you without breaking the bank.

Young couple consults at the psychologist

B. Therapist/Divorce Coach: If you have been to couples therapy and you both are committed to getting divorced, either continue with your individual therapist or at some point hire an individual therapist to help you grieve and reinvent yourself.

If you are married to a narcissist, sociopath/psychopath or someone who is determined to make the divorce difficult hire a therapist competent in guiding you through this challenge.

Dr. Brown has limited openings for Backbone Divorce Coaching/Therapy. Email: annebrown@sopris.net

C. Bookkeeper: If numbers are not your strength, hire a competent Bookkeeper to help you get a budget together. You need to get clear what you need financially to get set up.

3. Negotiate fairly and rigorously

3 negotiation

Your goal is to be free of resentment at the end of the divorce. You don’t want to be divorced saying “I wish I had…” Take an honest and realistic look at the financial pie and decide what you need and close to what the courts will order. Get your emotions out of the negotiations (and into the therapist’s office). Ask for what you need to land on your feet and re-invent yourself. If you both do this the children will have a better chance of having two healthy homes.

4. Honor your Children

4 family

A. Do not fight through your children.

B. Do not use your children to fight with your spouse.

C. Do not use your children as messengers.

D. Do not use your children as your confident.

E. Do not give the children too much information.

F. DO understand they want Normal sooner rather than later. Children want to be the kid with friends at school, playing sports, in a musical group NOT the child of “those” parents who are always fighting because they are getting divorced.

5. Honor your Love Life

Man And Woman Holding By Hands And Making Love Heart

 

Wait, wait, wait! It’s not time. Heal, grieve, reinvent yourself and then open your heart to what is next. Your children do not want to meet your latest squeeze the day after you and your spouse split. Respect their world has been turned upside down: new rules, two houses, secrets, land mines, and they need time to grieve, adjust and figure out the two houses.

6. Move on

6 bird

Stop talking about your ex, your divorce, and move on! Be happy, issue invitations, learn new things, laugh, be a happy family on a new adventure, and you will begin to attract the same!!! People who don’t do their work after a divorce often marry the same wolf in different sheep’s clothing. Now is also a good time to reconnect with your therapist to make sure you are not repeating old patterns. Surround yourself with friends who have good self esteem, friends who want you to be happy, friends who want the best for you, and friends who can let you know if you get off track.

Listen to: http://backbonepower.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/Empowered-Divorce-Summit-Dating-Edition.mp3

Divorce Money Questions

Listen to my interview on Empowered Divorce Summit *Financial Edition hosted by Heather Debrecini. Learn the best tips on How to Secure Your Financial Independence before, during, and after your  divorce.

Some of us think holding on makes us strong but sometimes it is letting go.” ~Hermann Hesse 

 Dr. Brown has limited openings for Backbone Divorce Coaching/Therapy. Email: annebrown@sopris.net

 

© 2016 Anne Brown. Permission needed for reproduction in any form.

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