6 Must Read Tips for a Healthy Divorce

“You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.” ~ Bob Marley

1. Fight for your Marriage

This tip is probably the most important for a good divorce. If you have worked hard in workshops, individual and couple’s therapy, with your spiritual advisors, and you still feel you need to divorce, you both will have had a chance to fight for the marriage. You also will be able to report to the children you really fought for the family to stay together. This process will help you move forward and hopefully NOT repeat the same mistakes in the future.

2. Hire good people

A. Lawyer/Mediator: If you have gone to therapy and both agree to divorce, you can probably hire a competent mediator. Even if you are still grumbling at each other, but both want the divorce you can probably still hire a mediator/collaborative lawyer. If you are married to a narcissist, a sociopath/psychopath or a fighter for whatever reason, you will do best with a lawyer who can advocate for you.

https://backbonepower.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/Co-Parenting-Success-Anne-Brown.mp3

Interview, interview, interview, get recommendations, and make sure you trust your lawyer will have your back. Trust is the important word here. You do not want someone who escalates the situation, but rather someone who is a calm, strong, negotiator who can get the best for you without breaking the bank.

B. Therapist/Divorce Coach: If you have been to couples therapy and you both are committed to getting divorced, either continue with your individual therapist or at some point hire an individual therapist to help you grieve and reinvent yourself.

If you are married to a narcissist, sociopath/psychopath or someone who is determined to make the divorce difficult hire a therapist competent in guiding you through this challenge.

Dr. Brown has limited openings for Backbone Divorce Coaching/Therapy. Email: annebrown@sopris.net

C. Bookkeeper: If numbers are not your strength, hire a competent Bookkeeper to help you get a budget together. You need to get clear what you need financially to get set up.

3. Negotiate fairly and rigorously

Your goal is to be free of resentment at the end of the divorce. You don’t want to be divorced saying “I wish I had…” Take an honest and realistic look at the financial pie and decide what you need and close to what the courts will order. Get your emotions out of the negotiations (and into the therapist’s office). Ask for what you need to land on your feet and re-invent yourself. If you both do this the children will have a better chance of having two healthy homes.

4. Honor your Children

A. Do not fight through your children.

B. Do not use your children to fight with your spouse.

C. Do not use your children as messengers.

D. Do not use your children as your confident.

E. Do not give the children too much information.

F. DO understand they want Normal sooner rather than later. Children want to be the kid with friends at school, playing sports, in a musical group NOT the child of “those” parents who are always fighting because they are getting divorced.

5. Honor your Love Life

Wait, wait, wait! It’s not time. Heal, grieve, reinvent yourself and then open your heart to what is next. Your children do not want to meet your latest squeeze the day after you and your spouse split. Respect their world has been turned upside down: new rules, two houses, secrets, land mines, and they need time to grieve, adjust and figure out the two houses.

6. Move on

Stop talking about your ex, your divorce, and move on! Be happy, issue invitations, learn new things, laugh, be a happy family on a new adventure, and you will begin to attract the same!!! People who don’t do their work after a divorce often marry the same wolf in different sheep’s clothing. Now is also a good time to reconnect with your therapist to make sure you are not repeating old patterns. Surround yourself with friends who have good self esteem, friends who want you to be happy, friends who want the best for you, and friends who can let you know if you get off track.

Listen to: https://backbonepower.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/Empowered-Divorce-Summit-Dating-Edition.mp3

Listen to my interview on Empowered Divorce Summit *Financial Edition hosted by Heather Debrecini. Learn the best tips on How to Secure Your Financial Independence before, during, and after your divorce.

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong but sometimes it is letting go.” ~Hermann Hesse

Dr. Brown has limited openings for Backbone Divorce Coaching/Therapy. Email: annebrown@sopris.net