Domestic Abuse

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domestic abuse

“Never make yourself feel like nothing, to make someone else feel like everything!”

Rationalizing has to be prevalent when there is Domestic Abuse because how else could you convince yourself to stay. First you have to recognize that you are being emotionally, physically and or sexually abused.

In my book p.20 I give you conversations to recognize which will alert you to the possibility that you may be putting up with emotional abuse.  Comments such as, “You are lucky to have me; and/or No one would ever want you,” are designed to keep you off balance and insecure so you will stay. Unfortunately, if you are a good people pleaser you will be rationalizing that you deserve to be spoken to in an abusive way because you aren’t perfect and you should be. You may not even know that you are being emotionally abused and you definitely don’t think you are rationalizing. You think this is the truth.

I strongly recommend that anyone who has been hit by his/her partner once leave the relationship. I’ll say that again at the risk of those who will say but but but!!! “He/she was drinking that’s why he hit me” is Rationalization. “I didn’t clean the house well enough or I overcooked the dinner or the children were too loud” is all Rationalizing why you were hit and how it was your fault. We live in a country where no one can hit you, where no one can touch you without your permission.  If you are hit/shoved/pushed by your partner you should leave the relationship. Blaming and hitting another person in order to deal with anger is an inappropriate way to deal with anger. ” I am going to teach you a lesson” is inappropriate. As adults we have respectful conversations with each other in order to resolve conflict. Take a stand this week to stop rationalizing abusive behavior.

One Love is an organization started to honor Yeardley Love who was killed by her former boyfriend in a drunken rage. Yeardley had ended the relationship and was moving forward when her ex came to her room late at night and fatally physically abused her.  Yeardley was a student at the University of Virginia, a lacrosse player, a sister, a daughter, and a friend whose life was cut too short because of another’s abuse. We have to start to recognize if we are being abused or if a friend is being abused. We have to stop rationalizing that this isn’t happening, it isn’t that bad, it’s none of our business and we do have to intervene.One Love’s initiative Be 1 for Change has an anonymous, free app for you to download to determine if your relationship is abusive and helps you to create an action plan:

http://www.joinonelove.org/resources-help

If you find that you feel horrible in your relationship, cannot have friends, are being told what to do, wear, think, are to blame for everything, please stop and take a serious look at your relationship. If you have a friend who is more withdrawn, has unexplained bruises, is more anxious and hyper focused on his/her relationship please intervene. Ask her to coffee and tell her you are concerned! There are organizations that can help you safely remove yourself from an abusive situation. If you say No to abuse today maybe you can help someone else say No. With education we can help people stop domestic abuse and resolve conflict through healthy conversations. With rationalizing we enable Domestic Violence to continue!

“It is during the challenging time that we find out what we are made of…”

(c) Anne Brown 2014. Permission needed for reproduction in any form.

Follow me on Twitter @scienceofno and like my Facebook page Backbonepower The Science of Saying No for more updates!!

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